If Not the River
for Jam
POEM AFTER
more data makes the picture less clear
I draw an arrow
lay my body on either side
WATCHING THE MOVIE
I want to only be crying
my traits continue
to weave together
after years in front
of the VCR
I don’t press pause
soon enough
the carpet pattern
a ghost in my knees
POEM OF THE PAINTING
one navy smudge
cut down the center
drowning up
to a corner of light
POEM AS THE WATER
guilt soaked the riverbed
you dug your toes in
when you waded
POEM AS BIRDS
a whole daydream spent
on your bad thoughts
an evergreen vaguely shaking
would it have been better
if I’d called
in the morning
there is no you here
clouds keep moving
a cat you won’t meet
waits on the step
how could this be more evident
PASSWORD (yours)
promise not to leave first
PASSWORD (mine)
promise
POEM WITH PHONE ON AIRPLANE MODE
I turn them off so I can hear you better
the sea a moth in my head
POEM NOT MAKING IT TO THE PARTY
you crawl behind the chip in your front tooth
die face into the river*
I am not patient but am willing at least a few more times
to rework the song
high voices singing behind you
all I want is to watch your body
fill in with itself
how once the jukebox
made us dance
I walk along the water
looking for your feet in the sand*
*these inaccuracies
POEM WITHOUT SEEING THE OCEAN
I do not drive
to the town
where you were born
to tell you
when you died
roses
lined the highway
all it made me do
put air between their petals
was live
tenses complicate
the mistakes I have not yet made
I do not regret
all of them at once
ANIMAL ANIMAL
I make others feel small
late birthday present in the mailbox
while the house collapses
really it is adding
marks and scratches
the pages I dog ear
how I can barely tell
when most people
have read a book
I go boring again
see you in car windshields
see you in stripes of light
across the pavement
I wonder if the sun
folded into your neck
trying to return you to me
I write the address wrong
POEM MOVING NORTH ON HIGHWAY 287
I can’t pretend Colorado doesn’t exist
pulled clouds falling up from a field
cows everywhere and antelope
I stop in the middle of the song
in the middle of the road
multiple horses of the same color
don’t respond
I didn’t finish reading
you are dead and
I don’t know what to call you
I think some cows are wild
the way I want this to go
is nourish me
next to water
burn something on a beach
Colorado is not the ocean
multiple geologic formations
billions of years apart
I am told their names over and again
I do not learn
in this way I am my father
losing a book under the driver’s seat
I told myself I would stay in the right lane
I said I would not be jarred by a wind created
by anything else
the truth is the car is heavy
and I am alone
how was I supposed make this
into something you
your death finally in place
of a question
when I ask other people
what they remember
they say how your body
would turn
with everything
still in its hands
I thought I’d think of you as free
an affirmation
of our lack of belief
no geologic time
my handwriting already ash from your skin
a hit horse on a highway
leaves the pavement
with a stain so large it’s hard to see
how much blood did you have
what slid into the ocean
and how much was a shape in the sand
SALT ELEGY
when there was nothing else
I left
held the mirror up
you behind my shoulder
TIMSHEL
I heard it was too much
the billion cubic feet of water pressing
into the ceiling of your skull
there are no oranges at the bottom of the ocean
no way to keep a peel’s residue from disappearing
between your fingers
I put my own cold hand on my knee
from Idaho to Oregon to the corner of Washington
is 500 miles
how could you have known
that when you choose to leave
they bring you right back
brutal
as I round past a semi
you seem to be breathing
crawling up the shore
but a body does not lose
the memory of water
your clothes still damp with sea
NOW NOW
so as much air as possible
not a person
sitting alone at a table
waiting for someone else
to arrive
but a person
remaining
at the table after
UNTIL AGAIN
I did not steal the flowers
they came out of my skin
with very little water
and no song
from the ground
instead of this
could I do something slow
on purpose
pick up a wet sand dollar
crush it back into desert